Gabbing, shooting the breeze, chit-chat, whatever you call it, some of us love it, some of us hate it, but we can all recognize the art of small talk as an important skill in initiating a conversation with someone. Some people, however, do not appreciate its value and choose not to perfect the craft. You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘cut the small talk’ and ‘get to the point’, but is there something valuable about the art of the gab? Can there be a meaningful end to that seemingly mindless gabbing at the bus stop, on the elevator, or in the grocery store line? Is small talk the first step in establishing a true friendship—a friendship that allows both people to grow in holiness?
As a Dominican friar, I quickly learned that we must perfect the art of small talk in community life. When one enters the Dominican life he quickly comes to realize that in order to live the common life, he must break the ice, start a conversation and find some common ground with his brothers. It is usually from simple small talk that the conversation will often take a turn to more sustainable subject matter that leaves the brethren with a feeling of delight and lays the foundation for a lasting friendship.
It’s no surprise that people have lost the art of the gab today. Walk down any street corner, or observe two people having dinner on a date and you will probably see their faces immersed in whatever content is on their cell phone or other digital device. Our culture avoids social interaction in these situations. Our attempts at social networking and other means of communication may have prevented the very thing we intended it to do: connect with others. Our attempts to connect with everyone have left us isolated. The simplicity of friendly conversation is lost among us today.
Dominicans quickly learn in formation that small talk keeps things pleasant and fraternal, perhaps in part because we don’t have cell phones or other things with which we can avoid each other. Since we all live in the same house, we find ourselves searching for ways that we can relate to one another and form true friendships. Befriending others is essential for living the Dominican life. More fundamentally for Christians, befriending others helps friends to grow in virtue and holiness.
Aristotle says in Book VIII of his Nicomachean Ethics that there are different types of friendships people establish with one another. There are friendships of pleasure, friendships of utility, and the true friendship in which one takes delight in the company of the other. Aristotle argues that true friendship is what the virtuous man aspires to have. Small talk, while not a sign of true friendship at first, can lead to true friendship and hence should not be undervalued. Virtuous friendship can blossom from a simple conversation. A true, virtuous, Christian friendship leads both friends closer to Christ.
Our present time of pandemic may make small talk seem all but impossible. We are told to practice social distancing and to go out only when necessary. We find ourselves confined at home with our families in a state of uncertainty. We are unsure of what to do next. So how do we engage in conversation with others? How do we build these friendships of virtue and holiness in our present state? Perhaps a simple phone call to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while, or enjoying a sit-down meal with your entire family are simple ways to help foster these friendships. Conversations don’t have to be face to face, but making the effort to connect with another can go a long way in fulfilling the Christian vocation.
So next time you find yourself with an opportunity to engage someone in conversation, don’t run from the situation, but instead be present to the person in whatever way is appropriate at the time, and you just might be surprised at where the conversation leads.
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